Tips for Election Candidates #1: Learn to spell your own constituency name
A leaflet from the Bromley and Chislehurst constituency:
Poor UKIP. They still can't handle their Es.
NukeLabour's on Twitter.
In my quest for that perfect sexy body, I've been modelling myself on top male models.
John Prescott and Eric Pickles, since you ask.
You can imagine my surprise to learn that they're not just fine specimens of men but also tech visionaries! Frankly, they've inspired me to follow their example and join Twitter, so I can tweet along-side chav-hatin' slave-grown-banana-cravin' Labour candidate Stuart MacLennan.
Congratulations, You're Buying A Porsche!
Well, actually, it's not for you. And you're helping buy six.
Oh, and did I mention you're also paying for 16 Jags, 144 Mercedes and 273 BMWs?
Don't worry, our Labour government just KNEW you'd want to contribute; so they've already docked your pay (through PAYE) to help impoverished Porsche owners.
And to think that people say our beloved leader, Gordon Brown, is out of touch!
The Car Scrappage scheme is a success! And I for one intend to congratulate our office cleaner on her selfless decision to help downtrodden Porsche buyers.
Table: Total vehicle registrations by brand through the scrappage incentive scheme.
Source: the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders, July 6th 2009 press release (MS Word format)
Shadow Home Office Minister Arrested!
It used to only be in Putin's Russia that Police would burst into opposition politicians offices and arrest them for imaginary wrongdoings. But that has changed with the arrest of Shadow Home Office Minister Damien Green MP.
This arrest is outrageous. No doubt the police will claim they have a duty to investigate the leaking of sensitive Government information. Of course, they're right..
I can only presume that as soon as they've finished with Damien Green, they'll be racing round to 11 Downing Street to raid Alistair Darling's home, as part of their investigation into how sensitive Government information, the key measures from the Pre-Budget Report, leaked.
While they have Alistair Darling in custody, perhaps they can ask him who blabbed price-sensitive information concerning Northern Rock, The Lloyds/HBOS merger and the Bank Recapitalisations to the BBC's Robert Preston.
But they won't arrest Darling.
Leaks that are useful to the Labour Government will be ignored.
Leaks that embarrass the Labour Government will be investigated with the full force of the law. A shameful double standard.
'Catcher In The Rye' Cameron: Brown is a "phoney"
Help Me Win Election, Brown Asks Terrified Iraqis
The Daily Mash , Britain's answer to The Onion reports....
GORDON Brown flew into Baghdad this morning to enlist the terrified Iraqi population in his bid for re-election.
As the Tories sought to take control of the political agenda back home, Brown used his visit to the war-torn country to underline his credentials as a man who can meet the challenge of holding on to a £150,000 a year job.
Arriving in Baghdad, Brown said: "I have just got off an official plane in a very hot country filled with reporters from all over the world.
"Right now, David Cameron is probably in a second-rate Blackpool hotel room talking to the Daily Express about his favourite cheese.
"Leadership means being ready and willing to recognise that war, suffering and death can always be turned around and put to devastating political use."
Later today Brown will tell British troops that he will bring them home when it is in the best interests of the Labour Party.
He added: "These poor Iraqi people, being blown up every time they go to the shops, are an example to us all.
"They understand the importance of British democracy and my obsessive desire to destroy it.
"And as I stand here in Baghdad, with its occasional electricity and awful smells, I think to myself, 'I knew this would come in handy, I'm so glad I gave Tony Blair the money to do it'."
More true words can be found at the http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/
US Presidential Election 2008 - The Music Videos!
For decades there have been political campaign songs. But the official campaigns seem to have forgotten that in our modern age, all songs need to be released with a skimpy MTV-style music video.
... and Obama Girl v Giuliani Girl...
As a marketer, I bow down before such viral marketing genius.
The Corrupt Labour Party Pays Back Unions By Screwing Businesses Hit By Strikes
Let's say you run a business, and that some of your employees decide to break their contractual commitments by going on strike, leaving your business and your customers in the lurch.
So, how would you respond?
You might think: "We'll hire temps to cover the work normally done by the strikers. This will ensure our customers aren't affected and the damage to our business is minimised".
A sane answer. But unfortunately, the millions of pounds the unions have spent propping up the corrupt Labour party seem to have paid off:
"... an employment business shall not introduce or supply a work seeker to
a hirer to perform... the duties normally performed by a worker who is taking part in a strike"
The next time Labour crows about being pro-business or pro-enterprise, remind them that their sleazy government deliberately changed the law to ensure businesses would be screwed by strikes, unable to replace work-shy workers with temps. You can almost hear the glee of Labour's paymasters as their rub employers noses in this unbelievable law.
Your Taxes go on Sex, Drugs, Vomiting and Fighting. The Rest is Wasted.
This isn't down to a dose of common sense, in which they decided to tell those rural scroungers to put away their begging bowls and get an economically viable job like the rest of us. Unfortunately the non-payments are merely down to incompetence on a grand scale.
But if the Rural Payments Agency isn't ... um... making rural payments what exactly ARE they doing?
Well, according to Reuters, they're taking drugs, vomiting, fighting and having sex:
LONDON (Reuters) - A government worker has been sacked and another demoted following allegations they were involved in serious misconduct, including leaping naked from filing cabinets and having sex in office lavatories.
Newspaper reports said staff at the Rural Payments Agency (RPA) in Newcastle in northeast England also took drugs at work, brawled in the reception area and carried out pranks such as vomiting in cups and leaving them for other people to find.
"Action has been taken to strengthen RPA Newcastle with a senior manager drafted in to take charge while the investigation and series of disciplinary actions to resolve some instances of serious misconduct and behavioural problems there is concluded," the RPA said in a statement on Tuesday.
An investigation into the alleged misconduct was launched on May 24 after an internal memo was sent to managers by repulsed fellow workers, the statement said.
Bob Neill - The Perfect Candidate for Bromley & Chislehurst
I live in the Bromley & Chislehurst constituency.
Following the untimely death of Eric Forth MP, there is to be a by-election.
The choice of Bob Neill is perfect. I don't know of Bob because he's on some Cameron-approved list. I know of Bob because I've canvassed with him on quite a few occasions. He is the sort of person who was out on the doorstep canvassing, while some of the A-list were still in bed, and still in the Labour party.
He's the perfect choice. Good-natured, intelligent, hard-working, and a sound Conservative. I'm delighted he'll soon be my MP.