Nuke Labour

Libdem Election Night Disaster

The Conservatives added 316 councillors.

Guess how many the Libdems added.

I'll give you a clue. It's a three digit number. There's a 2, a 0 and a 0.

Yes, the answer is 002.

If the Libdems can't make significant gains as Nurses are fired, operations are cancelled and 1023 foreign criminals are found to have been let loose, things look grim for them.

The Libdems swapped their drunk winner for a sober loser. And they're suffering a hangover as a result.

Even Libdems Aren't Allowed Three-In-A-Bed Rent-Boy Orgies Now

Note to Mark Oaten's webmaster: you might wish to rename the 'Get Interactive' and 'Dispelling the Rumours' sections..

• Oaten was just trying to show he was Libdem leadership material. Like Jeremy Thorpe, presumably.

• The News of The World's behaviour is a disgrace. I have bought a copy in order to judge just how disgraceful it really is.

• Oaten was the Libdems' spokesman on, amongst other things, Three-In-A-Bed Gay Prostitution. And people say MPs lack real-world experience...

• "One young male prostitute told us: "Oaten... loved humiliation."  He must be having the time of his life right now.

• "He's a very troubled man living a very dangerous double life" - says a rent boy shielding his own identity.

• "The rent boy revealed how Oaten... Encouraged them to perform an unspeakable act of degradation on him". Ahh, so THAT'S what Oaten meant when he said he was in favour of 'Tough Liberalism'

• "It was all over in minutes. He was so excited..."

• "I saw him on television and realised he was my customer. So the next night, after our normal session, I said to him, 'I saw you on the TV last night. You're Mark Oaten, the Liberal Democrat MP. He went white with shock and said, 'It can't be me, I must have a double'."

• When I read rumours that Oaten was considering defecting to the other side, I'd assumed they meant the Conservatives. But in hindsight perhaps they meant something else.

• I'm sure you're curious to learn what the "unspeakable act of degradation" is alleged to be. The libel laws prevent me from saying. So let me instead examine the jests of the blogosphere...

• Get wilcox commented on Order-order.com "I think that some people may be defaming MPs anonymously on this site. After what's been written here, it's only fair that you allow Oaten to examine your log." He also comments "if Oaten tries to stand at the next election expect a shitstorm in Winchester." He also fears "Oaten will get his revenge.  For example, if I was that rent boy I'd shit myself."

• Bloggerheads has a fan-tastic joke.

• "Q. What do Charles Kennedy and Mark Oaten have in common?
  A. They both liked to spend their evenings getting shit-faced." - from Dodgeblogium

• At the next election it wouldn't suprise me if rent boys in Oaten's constituency decided to dump that wanker. Or dump on him.

• Mark Oaten's web site hasn't been updated since before the story broke. None-the-less it remains timely: "It’s been an eventful past couple of weeks... I’m looking forward to a quiet weekend with my family before making any decisions on what the future may hold."

• After all that's happened to him, Oaten must feel like shit. Plus Ça Change.

• Soundbite choosen for trailer by a mischievous producer of BBC Radio Two's Jeremy Vine Show, Mon 23rd January 2006:
         Jeremy Vine: "No Secrets, No Skeletons, yeah?"
         Mark Oaten: "Just a love for chocolate, I guess"

• Are you planning a Liberal Democrat event?  If so, why not hire Mark Oaten's rent-boys! For contact details, and reviews by tubby 40-somethings click here and here or here.

• On a completely unrelated matter, this blog wishes Mark Oaten a very happy 42nd birthday, for next month.
  

Let me put the cheap jokes aside for a moment. I genuinely hope Mark Oaten can patch things up with his wife, and that he'll still be able to spend each weekend with his kids. After 13 years of marriage, and with two young children, Mrs Oaten owes her husband a second chance.

Tags: Liberal Democrats, Libdem, News Of The World, Scandal, Mark Oaten

The New Libdem Leader

You know it makes sense.

[Photocredit: Libdems4Cameron.co.uk ]

Tags: David Cameron Conservative Party Libdems Liberal Democrats

Labour's Reaction: The Dog That Didn't Bark

The most interesting thing about the election result wasn't Cameron's win.

It was Labour's silence.

The entire cabinet were ordered not to give interviews.

Alastair Campbell and Peter Mandleson were called back to the front line for an emergency strategy session with Blair. The result? The media were told that Fraser Kemp would be available for interviews.

"Who's Fraser Kemp?", I hear you ask.

Precisely. Labour really hasn't got a clue how to handle Cameron's election.

It was also interesting to see Simon Hughes doing the rounds, agreeing that a change of leader might help the party. In theory, he was talking about the Conservative Party, but I got the distinct impression he had another party in mind.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

Ted Heath's dead!

Ted Heath Is Almost Dead. Hooray!

Order the Champagne. Get those party invitations ready. For Sky News reports that:

Sir Edward Heath... has recently become considerably weaker.

He is now nearing the end of his life.

All I can say is, it's about bloody time.

Once I wanted to create a subdomain for the domain BY-ELECTION.ORG.UK, and so I asked myself 'who is the parliamentarian most likely to die'. The obvious answer was the oldest, Ted Heath.

I created www.bexley.by-election.org.uk and put up a spoof obituary of Sir Edward.

I mentioned this as a joke in an after-dinner speech I was giving, and one of the guests decided it would be a perfect piece of gossip for the London Evening Standard diary column.

They decided not to run the piece, but only after phoning Sir Edward's office to find out his thoughts on the news of his death.

Apparently he didn't take it well. Sir Edward fired off a 'terse' letter to Imperial College (at which I was a student) accusing the site of being a misuse of college facilities and demanding that Imperial have the web site removed immediately.

This placed the college in an invidious position. They had little choice but to institute disciplinary proceedings against me. Not wishing to get chucked out for my free speech in my own time without recourse to college computing facilities, I agreed to remove the web site, and not to republish it 'whilst I remained a student at the college'.

Of course, I'm no longer a student at the college. However were I to publish something calling someone a fat communist-sympathising Liberal Democrat, some former Conservative Prime Ministers might see that as libellous. Of course, there's a saying: you can't libel the dead.

Once Sir Edward dies, I'll submit a Freedom of Information request to the college to see if I can get a copy of his letter of complaint. At the moment the 'parliamentary privilege' exemption probably kills any hope of me getting a copy (if they still have it). But I'm hoping that once the bastard dies they'll be likely to be more open to letting me have a copy.

Of course, Sir Edward has been ill for some time. A friend of mine went to a pro-EU event a year ago, and commented on Sir Edward:

"He didn't seem terribly alive!

When he left it was by his bodyguards lifting him by the arms and kinda dragging him along the floor whilst he sort of eyeballed people with a look that said "who on earth are you lot, where am I, what am I doing out of bed, where am I being taken now"

I believe Sir Edward was a traitor to his country.

I will be glad when he dies.

I look forward to his death.

Update: He's Dead.